This morning on the South Eastern Freeway I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Lexus Doing 120 mph, With her face up next to her rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.

 

I looked away for a couple seconds And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all t he confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

 

Damn women drivers!!

NOT AGAIN

wont stop slieting the tollroads foook julle almal

* Saved up

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years... I thought he meant his money!!"

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycle at any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

When you're done riding your motorcycle you can just get off it.
You don't have to take your motorcycle to dinner to get a ride on it.
You can leave your motorcycle out in the garage and it won't complain about the cold.
You can ignore your motorcycle and it won't ask why.
Your motorcycle won't ask where you've been in your car.
Your motorcycle won't look at the grease on your collar and ask where you got it from.
Your motorcycle won't sniff suspiciously at the petrol fumes when you've been riding another motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't complain if they're insufficiently lubricated, they just don't go quite as fast.
When you finish riding your motorcycle you feel like getting on again straight afterwards.
You can drop your motorcycle and pick it right up again
If the seat doesn't match your preferences you can get a custom one reasonable cheaply
Having a really loud motorcycle can be good.
Having an oversized motorcycle can be good.
You can ride your motorcycle in public.
You can flirt with girls when you're with your motorcycle.

Motorcycles don't mind you wearing your boots while riding.
Motorcycles don't mind you leaving them with other strange motorcycles.
Motorcycles like riding in groups.
Motorcycles like racing. The one who gets there first IS the winner.
It is always good when you’re with your motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't need commitment, they just need petrol.
If your motorcycle dies, you can just get a new one.
If your motorcycle isn't working, you can always borrow your mate's.
If you see a girl riding a motorcycle you don't have to worry

You only need to ride your motorcycle in one position
Your motorcycle doesn't complain when riding in the back of the truck.
Motorcycles are recyclable
Your motorcycle still looks the same after two beers.
Riding strange motorcycles without coverage is perfectly safe.

When you fart on your Motorcycle, it doesn't care.
The darkies a Motorcycle leaves behind always smell great.
A Motorcycle never leaves a wet spot you have to sleep on.
A Motorcycle always wants to go faster.
Motorcycles never have headaches.
Motorcycles are never too tired to ride
Motorcycles don't kick you outta bed when it's time to wake up.
When your Motorcycle hiccups, you REALLY ARE concerned.
When you goose your Motorcycle, it wheelies.
When you get sick of your Motorcycle, you can sell it.
Motorcycles are cheap to keep (unless you have a Ducati).
Motorcyles always pump that adrenaline, even on a bad day.
Motorcyles don't ask you to cook dinner.
Two can ride a motorcycle in public and people don't stare.
You don't have to prove to your motorcycle that you like your motorcycle.
Motorcycles always trust you - no matter what.
You don't mind if others love your motorcycle, too.
You don't mind if others want to ride your motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't smell bad when they get dirty.
You don't have to pay alimony/child support to your ex-motorcycle.
Motorcycles improve when you bore 'em and stroke'em.!
When you spend money on your motorcycle to improve its looks, it works.
Motorcycles only try to kill you while you're awake.

Latest concept from BMW to fight the feul inflation
Saddle Bags optional




Seems to me they making an ass of themselves

Just when u thought it was time to hang the hat u find another one to ride
Who is first ?

Minister of Gangwar affairs in SAGuverment today revealed the new squad to replace the scorpions
who are to wage war against all 1%ers for not paying bribery monies owed on time

Minister slippedandmuffedmydawg revealed the new undercover outfits to be used to infilitrate the 1%ers
and take stock of the situation in order to claim all bribery monies outstanding

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse, dad smoking grass; I'd just settle down
for a nice piece of ass. Out on the lawn, I heard such a clatter.  I sprung from my chair
to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn, I saw a big dick.  I knew in a minute,
it must be St. Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.  I knew in a moment,
the fucker had fell. He stuffed all our stockings with pretzels and beer, and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart.  That son of a bitch
blew my chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode away,
PISS ON YOU ALL AND HAVE A HELL OF A DAY.

Once there was a horse that lived on a farm. At least once a week, the horse saw the farmer bring home some chickens, but after a day or two the chickens would disappear.One day, once again, the farmer brought home some new chickens. One young chick noticed the horse and took a particular liking to him. The horse was rather hesitant to make friends with the chick, as all of the others had disappeared. But, the two eventually became friends. "Why not", thought the horse, "maybe I can protect this one". So the horse watched over the chick day and night, they eat together, played together and even sleep in the same stall together.One day while munching on grass and bugs in the back pasture, the horse slipped into a mud bog and quickly sank up to his neck. "Quick !" yelled the horse, "Go get the farmer and tell him to bring the tractor to pull me out." So the young chick ran as fast as it could to the barn.She looked every where for the farmer with no luck. Then the chick looked down the road and saw the farmer going to town on his tractor. "What can I do to help my friend, the farmer is gone and so is his tractor." That’s when the young chick saw the farmer's new Harley Davidson Motorcycle sitting in the garage. "Oh, I know I'm not to touch the farmer's Harley, but considering the circumstances, I think he will understand."The chick quickly grab a roll of rope, jumped on the Harley and sped out to where the horse was. She then threw one end of the rope to the horse, who grabbed the rope with his teeth, and she tied the other end to the Harley's fender and drove off, pulling the horse out safely to the dry ground. The horse was grateful and all was well once again.A few days later, on the other side of the pasture, the horse and the chick were once again munching away, when suddenly, the chick just disappeared. "Oh no, not her too" cried the horse. But then he could hear the chick calling him. That's when the horse noticed a very deep well where the chick had fallen into. There deep in the well with his friend, was all of the other chicks that had disappeared before.The chick cried out, "Quick, go get the farmer's Harley and the rope and come save us like I saved you". "No" said the horse, "I don't need a Harley, just do as I say". The horse then walked over to the well, straddled it, and said, "Now, I will extend my "MANLEY HOOD" down to you. When I gets down there, each one of you hold on and I will pull you up to safety"The horse did as he said and all of the chicks were safely picked up and put back on the ground. And once again all was well again.***THE MORAL OF THE STORY***You don't need a Harley to pick up chicks, if you're hung like a horse ! !

You need to check this out 

http://vili.us/hypno.html

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."

"That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

if u ride a bike long enough

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

I was at a friend's house recently and he offered me a glass of wine. It was a very good Franshhoek wine, so I wrote down the name and vintage and stopped by my favorite wine store the next day to purchase a bottle.

25 September - South Africa’s third biker president Kagalema Harley Leak, was sworn in today in Cape Town at the Bufflo Rally, to replace Thibo, who had a puncture and is awaiting a repair kit for his past Triumph. Mr Kagalema Harley Still Leak who is ruling (ANC) (All Nationality Cyclists} deputy gangster carries hopes of bikers and 5 cent collectors that he can bring an end to biggest upheaval in country’s politics since fall of freeways now known as tollways. He was overwhelming chosen by drunken bikies to post of coin collector resident following last weekend’s dramatic ousting of his oil leaking successor to Nelson V Twin. The veteran official is seen as a figure that could ease tensions between supporters of bikers and toll road parasites. He will serve until polls next year, when the next toll increase is expected Mr still leaking oil announced his resignation on Sunday amid claims of political interference in a corruption case against toll roads Mr olie lek denies allegations but said he was stepping down in interests of toll unity, as ANC leadership said it was recalling him. Media reports show that one of his immediate tasks will be to ensure a smooth political transition given much talk of feuding and divisions within bikers. Mr Zooma is not a biker and so was not eligible to be elected president, hence, he reportedly watched today’s toll protest from public gallery. Earlier on, Zimbabwean president bobthegob is said to have described Mr oil leaks resignation as “devastating”. Mr olielek was key mediator during months of negotiations that recently led to a power-sharing agreement in Zimgabwe for rallys and protests. Finance minister Trevor Manuel and his defence counterpart Mosiuoa Lekota resigned yesterday, stating his calculater battry burnt out conting coins www.tollroad.co.za

* Interesting Facts

Dalmatians are born without spots.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus', but for 'and' (in civil proceedings) or     'against' (in criminal proceedings).

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.

The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee.

Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

Harleys always leak oil

A dog is truly a man's best friend.......
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you!

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

Marriage is like taking a hot bath.
After you've been in it for a while... it isn't so hot.